Never Coming Home.
It is the last stand. No more looking back. No more regrets and no more hopes. Gregory takes a last breath and jumps out of his hiding place. Screaming, he squeezes the trigger for all its worth. Two hundred miles away, bad news arrives in the form of a telegram.
Rope to the Neck.
His brain pounds inside his skull. He wants it to end. He wants it badly. Many images run through his head. He sees his loved one crying in the crowd. Nothing is happening right. The crowd is screaming for his death. The floor disappears and his legs eventually stop kicking.
Betting his life.
“Just once more Tommy, just one more,” grinned Jack.
“But that’s what you said last time, dammit!” snapped Tommy.
Before the sun rose again, Jack had been reduced to a bum on the street. All he owned was the shirt on his back and his heart full of fresh fear.
Crispy Critters.
A strong blizzard was blowing outside while a harsh fire was raging inside.
“ONE! TWO! THREE!!”
And with a deafening bang, a horde of firemen dashed in armed with axes and impulse guns, fighting the damned fire. Once the fire was out. All that remained were all the crispy critters.
Knock-Out
The speeding fist hits his face again. He feels the impact shake his brain. He feels his veins burst beneath the skin. He struggles to stay focused. The lights are blinding. He draws his arm back, poised to strike. He plummets to the floor teeth knocked out and career ended.
Author: Dip
Title: Knock-out
What is it about: A boxer having a match. He lost.
What works: Revealing his identity at the last line.
What doesn’t: Tenses. (teeth knocked out and career ended)
Author: Dip
Title: Knockout
What it’s about: It’s a about this guy who loses in a boxing match
What works: easily comprehended, love how he gives the impression of there just being a fight, but it turns out to be a boxing match
What doesn’t: the tense.
Author: Dip
Title: Knock-Out
What it’s about: He was in an boxing match and was hit several times. He fainted in the end.
What works: Capturing the detail.
What doesn’t: Too much “he….”
Author: Dip
Title: Knock-Out
What it’s about: Boxing – this boxer gets knocked out during a match and that marks the end of his boxing career
What works: use of language – describes it very well
What doesn’t: too many “He blahblahblahs…” and the “he feels” part is abit too redundant
But on the whole, i LIKE it (:
Author: Dip
Title: Knock Out
What’s it about: About a boxer who was punched and the impact too strong for him to stand up again to fight his opponent and faints.
What works: The vivid description of the punch. Let’s us feel the moment of which the punch touches the boxer’s face.
What doesn’t: Don’t get a sense of what’s going on around him. We wouldn’t know if the character is a boxer if Dip hadn’t ended the story with “career ended”
Author: Pradip
Title: Knockout
What it’s about: About a boxer who gets badly beaten up and whose career ends after the fight.
What works: Good descriptive, we are able to visualize the images in our mind. Good usage of active voice.
What doesn’t: Everything works in this story so there is nothing much to change. Maybe the tense can be improved.
Author: Pradip
Title: Knock-Out
What it’s about: A boxer on stage whose career ended because he lost.
What works: We are able to tell it is a boxer the story is talking about although there is no clear indication.
What doesn’t: Too many “He…..”
I’m left scratching my head over “Crispy Critters.” It seems like you’re aiming for some sense of irony, with the cold versus hot, and the way the firemen putting out the fire actually leaves everything cold. That’s not the big dramatic line you give us at the end. The end tries to take it as some sort of comedy. I kind of wish you’d read that one is class so we could hear other people’s comments.
Author: Pradip
Title: Knockout
What it’s about: he loses a boxing match and is knocked out.
What works: description of how he is being knocked out – can visualize it. The ending is good, it tells us it’s a boxing match rather than just a normal fight.
What doesn’t work: doesn’t really mention what career is it. Too many ‘he’.